As an academic you are constantly revising, revisiting your purpose to ensure the end result is in line with your beginning objectives. Yesterday while I was editing the site, unsuccessfully trying to create a home page link, I noticed that all my posts were food related and mostly recipes. This was okay since my main objective was to share my cooking adventures, but my other objective was to share my journey as a newlywed. I thought that I would give that subject a little attention.
So some points about me that I’ve thrown out in my previous posts… I’m a PhD student, recently married, and terribly independent. For those of you who are fellow grad students you can sympathize that our financials fall more into the debt category than the savings category. T. on the other hand is a welder, has been working full time for 8 years, and is financially comfortable. Now we’re married and what’s his is mine and vise-versa?? Well no thank you. I am my own person and do not feel comfortable with being financially dependent on someone else.. I should clarify because if that someone is my parents then I’m okay with that. I really don’t mind when my parents help me out, that is probably a selfish soiled thing to say out loud but it is the truth. I’m not saying my parents have financially supported me, but when they want to help out I am okay with that. I don’t view it as infringing on my independence nor do I feel like I owe them something in return. However, now that I am suppose to be financially dependent on my husband I have a huge problem with that. Don’t get me wrong T. is very generous and would have no problem with this at all, it is all me. Perhaps it is my child of divorce mentality but I want to be able to take care of myself.
This internal conflict arose when my supervisor suggested I stop teaching and focus on writing and research, since I didn’t need the money because T. could support me. I felt the panic rise inside of me, I need my pay cheque, I need the independence is affords me. Realistically I won’t be getting far on my grad student pay cheque but that’s not the point. In discussing this with a friend, I shared the uneasy conclusion that if it was my Dad supporting me I’d grab the chance and be a lady of leisure writing my days away, but I could not allow my husband to do that for me. My friend agreed she would feel the same way, offering an interesting insight that we’ve been taking an allowance from our parents since the age of 5 so we view that as normal.
Maybe my inner child is comfortable with an allowance, but it is my adult self that needs to come to terms with my new family unit and let T. support me because it is no longer just me it is we and our.